My Sister

I didn’t understand why I have been unhappy lately.  I feel that I am accomplishing a lot with school, work, and finally finding an apartment.  I sat down and thought all day of why I just can’t seem to smile anymore.  I miss my sister.  She has been there for me when I was growing up.  People always used to ask if I was her daughter because she was always taking care of me.  I went to cheerleading practice, dance practice, school, grocery store, and even to work with her.  I remember more memories with her then I do with my own mom and dad.  She has been the one person I have looked up to my whole life.  My sister was not only a mother figure in my life, but also my best friend.  I remember when I would have a bad breakup with a boy and was crying, I would lay my head on her lap and she would run her fingers through my hair till I stopped crying. 

 I lived with my sister all throughout high school and even the past few months.  I had my own apartment for a year when she wanted me to move in with her to save money and go back to school.  I decided that it would be a good idea because I really need to be back in school.  I moved with her in April and I have been homeless now for the past month.  Her boyfriend and I got into it over Facebook.  It seriously wasn’t a big issue until he had put his hands on me.  I tried to talk to her, but she just told me that she doesn’t want to get involved.  It hurt my feelings for my sister not to be there for me anymore.  I can’t believe she decided to choose his side and allow him to treat me that way.  I miss my sister and I feel lost without her.

Yesterday

Yesterday was a good day.  I woke up early to go with my friend.  He took me to his gym to go to my first Jiu Jitsu class.  At first, I was very nervous and didn't know exactly what to expect.  I was the only girl in the morning class, but  the guys were all very welcoming and friendly.  The instructor gave me personal lessons along side the class.  I had learned three moves from the ground position called a Kimura, a Guillotine Choke, and a Kimura Sweep.  After I learned the three moves i watched the guys in the class sparr.  The sparring was intense.  I really liked the class a lot.  I think I am going to start training in Jiu Jitsu.   

Is Our Relationship Worth It?

My heart is making me see that everything is perfect, but there is one thing outside of our love that is causing problems. How do u love someone and know that at that moment no one can know the love you two share? We have to stay a secret in order to keep the rest of our lives in order.


We stay a secert for the reason we work together. To everyone at work we are just good friends. Its a little difficult to not show affection to him at work. I just want to be able to kiss him, hold his hand, be in his arms, and everything we do outside of work. When I'm dancing I tend to just stare at him. No one really knows who I'm looking at since im high on a dancing block. I can see him trying not to crack a smile back. We both have to keep the strength to not want to be all over each other. I also have to be careful not to talk about anything I did that day because he might have the same story.


I think our co-workers are starting to realize that him and I have a little more feelings then just friends for each other. We are being closely watched. It's even tougher now that we are on thin ice and about to fall in at any second. We cant help when our eyes lock and we get lost for a moment. Sometimes its hard to not smile and stare at him for a couple of moments. Its like I'm sitting in front of a banana split and I cant take a bite of the delicious ice cream with syrup, nuts, whip cream and cherries on top.


We can sit in traffic and not be angry or bored that we have been in the same place for over ten minutes. We sit in the car singing, dancing, and laughing till we are almost crying. Country, Hip-hop, House, Latin, and any type of music one can k of we are signing and dancing to. When we are together everything is so perfect. What we have is amazing and keeps us fighting for it regardless of the outside drama from work. I feel like I'm living two lives. At times when we fight I always ask myself, "Is our relationship worth it?" My answer is ALWAYS YES.

comments

I have left a response for Miss Martini and Patricia Byron.

My Strength

It has been almost a year since he left me. We stood by eachothers side trying to keep the other strong with eveyrthing going on in our lives. Im mad that he took the easy way out and has left me to struggle on my own. Recieveing the phone call from the police department was the worse phone call I have ever recieved. I didn't know what to do. At first, I thought he was playing a joke on me since we got into an argument the night before. I started to feel out of breath. I scrolled down to his name in my phone book and it went straight to voicemail. I sat on my bed with tears forming in my eyes and feeling lost. I could feel that he wasn't here anymore.

On September 15th, the guy I was dating committed suicide. He always seemed so happy and was always giving the biggest bear hugs to everyone at work. Whenever someone mentions his name, that knew him, they remember his smile and his hugs the most. When he wrapped his hands around me I felt safe. He was there for everyone in every way possible. I feel horrible that we were not there for him on the day he took his life.

Guilt is what I felt for a long time afterwards, thinking that our fight was the reason he decided to leave this earth. I called his phone for days just to hear his voice again on his voicemail. I now know that I can't blame myself for his death. This event has made me realize that nothing in life can be so horrible that you leave everyone that loves you behind in hurt. He thought no one cared, but there were so many people there are the funeral that he didn't realize he had. I remind myself everyday that things will always get worse before they get better and to just stay strong. I owe it to him that I have stayed so strong this past year with everything that has tried to bring me down. He may be gone physically, but I keep what he has taught me with me all the time.  In the end I realized he didn't leave me, because I still have him in my heart to help me reach for my goals not letting anything get in my way.

Jerry Anthony Werchman
Aug. 7, 1978 - Sept. 15, 2009